I know I should be talking about how awesome Fox was and how I saw Matt Groening and a writer of Modern Family, but no.
I should be talking about the Grammy Museum, or getting some awesome sushi, but no.
I am just depressed.
The reason why is that I just feel lonely and un loved, yeah it is nothing new, but really I almost missed being bullied like I was in elementary school because it meant people noticed you, now I just feel ignored and I am starting to hate it.
I have always been a loner; I used to love it, now I just need someone that is there for me when I want them. I do not have that person, and I really want them to be tangible, I want to feel them touch my hand and say they understand when I feel sad, laugh with me, and just connect with me. I do not get that from Kathryn because she is self-centered, but I already know that and it is just a part of her personality and I am perfectly fine with that part of her, even though I hate it when I get into these moods.
So what brought this one was that after another tiring but fun day in LA, the last day, we came back to the hotel and people went into the pool. So I decide to upload my pictures to the computer of one of the teachers because they want them, but there is a line. So I am waiting and watching the guys in the pool when I see Abner, the guy I am infatuated with, in the pool, so I follow him around from where I am standing and I just start to feel an utter sadness start to creep in. I really wanted that person there with me, I wanted to talk to them about this, I want them to understand and help me, I want them to try and get me close to Abner. But that person is not there, that person is not real in my life at the moment, that person is somewhere else, that person is doing something else, and that person does not care for me whoever he/she is. But another thing that brought on my depression is what I dreamed last night.
Last night I dreamed that I was waiting for something in a line or something. It involved a counter like thing so it could have been a bar, which makes sense. So Abner was in front of me and he eventually looks behind at me and I think we start making small talk or something when I think he asks me if I am gay or I just said that I am gay (but I think it was the first) and I tell him that I am gay. He then asks me if I have a crush on him. I say yeah I kind of do think you are really hot. He then gets a slight smile and walks away, which just made that dream so amazing. And today I was talking with WhyCantI16 about this and he said that when you dream of a specific person that means that they went to sleep thinking about you. I have to say that f that is true I think I will die, I mean in am not a catch in any sense of the word, I am not attractive, I do not have a great personality, I hate myself, I judge too much, and I just am flawed in a way that ruins me for others. So that is why it is a godsend if it is true.
One other part of my depression is the usual need for a boyfriend because I want to feel love, not just know that a person feels it for me.
Well that is it about me depression. I am sleeping in the bed again, so I am happy about that. Tomorrow we have a 6 hour drive back to the Bay Area, so I am going to do as much HW as I can on the way. So good night
I hope he thinks of me when he falls asleep because I will be thinking of him,
Robert
Sorry you're depressed Robert. I dont think there is really much to say to make it any better :-/ For what its worth, I identify very much with your description of "sinking feeling"-- its the reluctant realization that what we want to be true--just isn't and won't be. Now I don't know Abner, and maybe he's gay and maybe he could be into you-- and that would be great, of course. But that sinking is a familiar feeling to me...
ReplyDeleteI wish I could somehow convince you or say something that would make you change your perspective. See I am an expert in self-hate. All of those things that you described yourself as-- I know I've thought those thoughts or spoken those words before. I know that I have wasted a lot of time that I can't ever get back thinking that I was unworthy of someone else's attention. I still believe this actually-- regardless of what my friends say, the fact that people have had crushes on me (I call their sanity into question), etc. I can't stop the self-hate. I see a lot of that in what you write. And while its probably inevitable, I wish I could convince you that I regret it very much. I wish that I could've sent a note back to my 16 yo self telling him to knock it off because you're 26 yo self regrets it...but alas.
So I can just wish you luck, and hope that tomorrow finds you in a better way. The good news is that you still have a lot of "future" in front of you. I know I sound really old now, but as Im going from "mid-twenties" to "late-twenties" (gag), Im starting to feel that dragging feeling that the "future" I told myself was so far away-- is actually here, right now, and I better make the best of it.
Much Love and take care Robby--
Steve
Even from this far away, across the ocean, from what I read in this blog you've got a lot going for you. You're intelligent, perceptive, witty and most importantly self-aware. The thing about your body you can change. Being judgemental and negative, the self loathing - that will change when you get a chance to move out of your closed-off community and off to College. That's when you'll get a chance to truly be yourself.
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry you're depressed. I hope it goes away quickly. I understand very well your loneliness. I hope you can find someone soon to provide the companionship and support you need. Keep looking toward the future. You've got great things and times ahead of you.
ReplyDelete