Okay so today was kind of boring, so I have decided to talk about, as some might say is an irrational fear, but I feel it is the most rational thing for me.
So I am going to talk about my complete and total fear of coming out.
Ever since I have figured out I have feared coming out to two main groups of people. The first group of people is my football. I find this to be completely rational because of the way that the always call people “Jews” or “Gay”, somehow they have kept away from “Faggot”. SO I am really only fearing the idea that they will treat me differently, like if they fear me, and completely avoid me, I truly cannot handle that happening. It would ruin me, and my want to stay on the team, so I would then me losing one of my ways of letting out y stored up anger and other emotions.
The other group that I just CANNOT tell is my family, I really just cannot and I have a few reasons for that. The first is that I know they are disappointed in me already, I am not the best in school, but I am not the worst. I have never had too many friends, and I think they think I am weird for not having many. Also I really feel that they just do not care for me, I know they do, but I just don’t, it is just weird, I just feel weird about them. I also do not want my current dynamic to change, I really just do not think I can emotionally handle if my life ith my family changed at all. That is exactly why I plan to go to the other side of the country for college.
I really want to go to a college outside of the west coast because I NEED to get away from my family I know I will be better and more myself if I go to where I really want to go, New York. I know a city is never like you think it is, but I feel that New York would be as large of a change I can make and still feel okay with moving there.
A List of how New York is different than ________, California
1. New York is urban
2. New York has a prominent LGBT scene
3. New York has Broadway
4. New York has schools that have the majors I possibly want to major in
5. New York is near the part of my family I never know
6. It snows in New York, and is cold, I love the cold
7. New York is practically the center of the world
Okay Well screw it I had a bad day, but I think I am going to really say that my life is going to hell the second my Grandmother moves in. I know I am not going to have fun with her in the house and I just really have the a GIANT headache right now. God I am sorry I just really am going to HATE my life, GOD I wish I could just FUCKING move away now, I need to get away I need to really get away from my fucking family. This really is not helping okay, I really do not want to stop posting or just close this blog, but I really might although that might be the exact opposite of what someone who is getting help through this should do, I just really am in a fucking terrible mood I am sorry I hope this picture makes up for my shitiness today. I really hope I can convince myself to stay.