Okay so today was kind of boring, so I have decided to talk about, as some might say is an irrational fear, but I feel it is the most rational thing for me.
So I am going to talk about my complete and total fear of coming out.
Ever since I have figured out I have feared coming out to two main groups of people. The first group of people is my football. I find this to be completely rational because of the way that the always call people “Jews” or “Gay”, somehow they have kept away from “Faggot”. SO I am really only fearing the idea that they will treat me differently, like if they fear me, and completely avoid me, I truly cannot handle that happening. It would ruin me, and my want to stay on the team, so I would then me losing one of my ways of letting out y stored up anger and other emotions.
The other group that I just CANNOT tell is my family, I really just cannot and I have a few reasons for that. The first is that I know they are disappointed in me already, I am not the best in school, but I am not the worst. I have never had too many friends, and I think they think I am weird for not having many. Also I really feel that they just do not care for me, I know they do, but I just don’t, it is just weird, I just feel weird about them. I also do not want my current dynamic to change, I really just do not think I can emotionally handle if my life ith my family changed at all. That is exactly why I plan to go to the other side of the country for college.
I really want to go to a college outside of the west coast because I NEED to get away from my family I know I will be better and more myself if I go to where I really want to go, New York. I know a city is never like you think it is, but I feel that New York would be as large of a change I can make and still feel okay with moving there.
A List of how New York is different than ________, California
1. New York is urban
2. New York has a prominent LGBT scene
3. New York has Broadway
4. New York has schools that have the majors I possibly want to major in
5. New York is near the part of my family I never know
6. It snows in New York, and is cold, I love the cold
7. New York is practically the center of the world
Okay Well screw it I had a bad day, but I think I am going to really say that my life is going to hell the second my Grandmother moves in. I know I am not going to have fun with her in the house and I just really have the a GIANT headache right now. God I am sorry I just really am going to HATE my life, GOD I wish I could just FUCKING move away now, I need to get away I need to really get away from my fucking family. This really is not helping okay, I really do not want to stop posting or just close this blog, but I really might although that might be the exact opposite of what someone who is getting help through this should do, I just really am in a fucking terrible mood I am sorry I hope this picture makes up for my shitiness today. I really hope I can convince myself to stay.
Where to start!: First of all as far as the "Jew" and "Gay" thing goes is that you should not worry about it because that is taking up to much of your brain thinking about it! My drug conselor told me about it and she was right!
ReplyDeleteSecondly your family MAY already know that you are gay. When i came out was a huge weight lifted off my shoulders. After that i could concentrate on myself.
Thirdly (If that is a word)
You must think about New Yor
IT IS VERY EXPENSIVE!!!!!!!!!
OMG that is exactly how i feel about coming out and new york!!!!! i want to go to new york too and it is actually on the other side of the world for me!!!!!!
ReplyDeleteYou gotta get out of that place. The good thing is you've got a plan to do it. It'll take a while, but you'll get there. Just hang on, keep your head down, and don't forget your dream.
ReplyDeleteHey I am new to your blog and let me say I absolutely love reading... hope you feel better i totally understand man and i def feel for you :)
ReplyDeleteHey Buddy!
ReplyDeleteI hope you're feeling better today...
I totally understand what you feel coz I kinda feel the same way... I am away from my family which makes me think less about coming out to them but I am still worried about the time it does come...
New York does sound like a great place for you to move to and I hope you get to achieve your dream sooner than you think.
In the meantime, keep blogging (if it does make u feel better, which I think it does) and play football (don't think about coming out to them for now!)
Try to do things that you enjoy in your free time so you get to be away from family and also get yourself busy so you don't think abut the not-so-happy things in current life.
Feel free to email me if you need tom talk...
Tight Hug!
Sam
AWW kid... I wish I could give you one of my famous bear hugs right now... You sound like you really need one... I know you're a tough football guy, but I bet I could make you melt with one of my hugs!!
ReplyDeleteAs I read the first part of your posting, I realized that what you were describing, was eerily similar to what I felt at your age- the alienation from your family, because you feel that they would be disappointed to find out that you are gay... I am still not out to most of my family, because of the same thing... It is a powerful deterrent ! Still, you are growing up in a different country than I grew up in... the whole idea about what gay means has changed dramatically from when I was 15... Still, there is a long way to go. I agree with Sam- coming out to your football team, just because they don't belittle gays is not a strong enough reason to risk further alienation... You say, you don't know what you would do, if that happened... Don't go there, for now...
At your age, I had few really close friends, because I didn't want to have to answer all the inevitable girlfriend questions with lies... I have always been proud of my honesty, and the glaring lie in my life is about who I really am... It's horrible, that we feel this way, for our own safety or because of the fear of losing the people that are so important in our lives...
Hans... I think you need to find someone ( a friend or support group) that you can share this part of your life with... It's important to your self esteem, to understand that you are a special guy; as special or even more than the str8 guys around you... Your turmoil is a result of not feeling equal to the str8 people around you... You are hoping that running away to a different city will help.. As far away as you can get... Guess who did the same thing?? Yup! It works on one level, as long as you feel strongly about your worthiness... If you run, just to put the distance between you and your family, and expect to be happy, watch out!! You may find yourself even lonelier than now!
Well, guy, I'll stay around and maybe just posting your thoughts and getting feedback from other gay guys will help... I'll sure try!! luv, tman<3