Well I am feeling really…well…ugly right now. Like I just hate my body with a burning passion. I just really do not think anyone will like me because EVERYONE is shallow. We are wired to be that way from the media and hell I fall for it and so do my hormones or else I would not be gay. I know everyone is going to say you cannot be hideous or something like that, but it is not true. I am not going to show you what I look like because I do not trust any of you enough, except for one who has see what I look like and lied to me, but I am okay with that because he is awesome and caring. If you really want to know what I look like I will describe myself for you: I am 5’10 or 11 or 12, I truly have no idea but I am in that range, I am 240, and my hair sucks fucking shit and just does not work whatever way I put it. I truly feel that not a SINGLE person that I will find attractive will find me attractive and that is why I truly hate my body it I not appealing to others because I am not appealed by it.
So you know all of the pictures I post, well those are the ones I look up to and envy. I want to look like them but know it will never happen because I do not have that type of drive. I need someone that is going to be with me and want to lose the weight just as much as I do, but that is not going to happen as long as all I am doing is football is Olympic lifts which are doing nothing to change my mother fucking belly fat and thighs. I truly just hate my body and I also just do not love myself. I hate that I am editing what I say sometimes because I feel like it sounds stupid but I really should stop caring about what I write and more about getting fit, but football is really a time consuming sport that does not make the linemen look better and just makes the receivers buffer and cuter.
I know people may say I am being self-centered and that si because I am. I know people are in worse situations, but I am not in that situation so I do not think about it. I feel completely fine thinking about myself because the only person I hear in my head is myself and I frankly think that when I stop hearing that voice I am either dead, or it will never happen.
I feel this is my trued blog post to date and my favorite because it is me. To the point. It is insecure. It is blunt at times. It is inanimate, like I feel at times.
Hanschen Moritz Gabor