Thursday, April 1, 2010

My Insecurity

Well I am feeling really…well…ugly right now. Like I just hate my body with a burning passion. I just really do not think anyone will like me because EVERYONE is shallow. We are wired to be that way from the media and hell I fall for it and so do my hormones or else I would not be gay. I know everyone is going to say you cannot be hideous or something like that, but it is not true. I am not going to show you what I look like because I do not trust any of you enough, except for one who has see what I look like and lied to me, but I am okay with that because he is awesome and caring. If you really want to know what I look like I will describe myself for you: I am 5’10 or 11 or 12, I truly have no idea but I am in that range, I am 240, and my hair sucks fucking shit and just does not work whatever way I put it. I truly feel that not a SINGLE person that I will find attractive will find me attractive and that is why I truly hate my body it I not appealing to others because I am not appealed by it.

So you know all of the pictures I post, well those are the ones I look up to and envy. I want to look like them but know it will never happen because I do not have that type of drive. I need someone that is going to be with me and want to lose the weight just as much as I do, but that is not going to happen as long as all I am doing is football is Olympic lifts which are doing nothing to change my mother fucking belly fat and thighs. I truly just hate my body and I also just do not love myself. I hate that I am editing what I say sometimes because I feel like it sounds stupid but I really should stop caring about what I write and more about getting fit, but football is really a time consuming sport that does not make the linemen look better and just makes the receivers buffer and cuter.

I know people may say I am being self-centered and that si because I am. I know people are in worse situations, but I am not in that situation so I do not think about it. I feel completely fine thinking about myself because the only person I hear in my head is myself and I frankly think that when I stop hearing that voice I am either dead, or it will never happen.

I feel this is my trued blog post to date and my favorite because it is me. To the point. It is insecure. It is blunt at times. It is inanimate, like I feel at times.

Hanschen Moritz Gabor


  1. i wish i had great advice and stories and uplifting things-- the truth is that this post reflects exactly how I feel about myself. I feel that I hate myself (appearance wise) and that since I am repulsed, I expect everyone else to be--and I could never expect anyone to 'love' me. So I am a pessimist and a cynic like your post illustrates. I can offer self-hate together :-) hey safety in numbers right!

    One thing I can say is that a few months ago I had someone who I found really attractive (very much my type) fall head over heels for me and pursue me! this was the first time after my 'freshman 15' that someone i found attractive pursued felt weird at first, but pretty amazing.

    So at least know from one self-loather to another that there are and will be people out there that see 'you' differently than you see yourself. Try to remember that :-) and use the rest to motivate yourself to change...thats what Im trying to do.

    Much Love,

  2. Thanks for your honesty, kid... I know that took a lot of courage!! It has always seemed to me that you have a sadness about you, and this explains a lot...

    I won't bombard you with all the vanilla niceities... There is very little about life that is fair. If you really feel unhappy with your body, there are ways to improve your basic shape, and you're right, the power lifting won't do it... Believe it or not, I think that the most important thing for you to do, is to find the people in your life that you feel closest to, and be honest with someone you trust about who you REALLY are...

    You need to get that monkey off your back, and liberate yourself.... Without a caring person(s) that you can talk to, all the weight loss programs or exercise programs, won't be effective... You need to feel less sad before you address anything else...

    You also have to be realistic about what the possibilities are... I mean, trying to look like the idealistic images that permeate the gay blogs or other places, isn't realistic for most of us!! At some point, you'll have to accept that you're not going to be a skinny emo, if that's not in the cards.... Now, I really don't know the possibilities for you, but, I'll guarantee you that if you work on your head first, and deal with the fact that you're gay, the rest will be possible...

    I hope that some of this helps you, kid.... None of us should try to go through this life alone!!! luv, tman<3 hugs2

  3. hey man, i really know how it is. im 16, 5'11, and 220 pounds. if you want, ill be your sort of work out buddy. we could make it a friendly compotition. i always wanted to loose the weight, just never had the motivation. always wanted a flat chest haha. if you want to, email me at
    it could be fun =) Peace!!!

  4. PS im going away on a trip, so if you do email me, i probably wont respond for a while. SORRY! Peace!!!

  5. Listen you are right. the world is superficial and looks do bloody matter. i believe that if you care a lot about losing weight you should do it.. get up and if you feel insecure about it do something about it. i think anyone can look good if they think they look good and you should do whatever it takes to make yourself look good to yourself...

    i know you probably look amazing but you could look much better if you thought you looked better.


  6. Well done on writing that post. It's brave to write as honestly as that. It's also a good first step to put it in words so bluntly. It also helps you see what you need to do next. I'm sure you know all the stuff about eating well and exercising aerobically, now it's time to set some goals. Just small, achievable goals that start you on the road to becoming the new you. Once you see a little progress it's amazing the difference it makes to how you feel. And once you feel a better, keeping on going becomes easier. Use this blog to keep yourself honest. Ya gotta be positive!

    It's just that big effort to start off with that is so hard. But so important.

    Think carefully before getting off the football team. Withdrawing from your friends is probably not a good thing to do at the moment.


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