Wednesday, November 20, 2013


I am Robert and it has been almost 4 years since I started to blog. Lately I have been feeling i am missing whatever form of personal expiration I need top feel comfortable like I used to. The best time in my life was when I was confident I had friends and they cared about with without having to prove myself any further. I miss this. I feel I am losing friends and my drive to be a student. 

This year I experienced working a job for the first time. I have been making peanut butter and jelly sandwiches at this small shoppe I learned about from a friend of a friend who hates me (its okay, im not fond of him either and he is a terrible influence on that friend, but i will probably get around to that later). I really enjoy this job though the wage is shit, $8 an hour with no tips unless I am lucky enough to get a delivery (only has occurred once). I only work twice a week on fridays and sundays, which may be a reason why i have not been able to be there for one of friends when she went through a crisis, but thats a different tangent. My job is a lot of cleaning when i am not preparing carrots, celery, bacon, or peanut butter. My co-workers are great. My main manager i barely interact with, but i know he is a hardass. The manager that actually manages me is a cool Asian guy that enjoys his anime, manga, and gaming. I dont really have much to talk to him about except for gaming, but he definitely likes me as a person, which is good. My other co-worker is an ex-NYU student who is a fellow stoner and I can see becoming friends with him. He works the front of the shop while I work the back. 

Over the past month smoking at my work has become routine. I had heard stories fo my co-workers smoking after they closed shop (this was not a surprise since one manager will routinely go to the bar across the street and drink after work and stop by all the time. One night that manager was in charge of my co-worker and I, he brought back this really interesting, incredibly drunk Irishman who had some family issues, I could discuss in a later post, when we closed up. That night we smoked two blunts, my first time smoking at work. Now, every few times I work it will end in smoking a blunt then finishing cleaning up and going home or there will be a small crowd from that same manager and we will smoke a bunch. Last weekend I visited my co-workers on a night when I was not working with my bong and we got quite high, so I think smoking at work will be even more routine, as long as I bring some weed with me in case of such an occurrence. 

I have also been working as a teacher of phones and computers for older persons. That job is way more lucrative, but as lot less stable. I had a good few weeks in October where i was consistently doing work in this field, but lately it has dried up for unknown reasons. This has been a cause of a little stress since I would really enjoy having a more regular schedule with my students on this because lately i have felt like i am a bad teacher since it almost seems like they have moved on. I may just be terrible at that, but I did not feel that way. 

I dont really now where I am going with this, but I think it is time for me to at least revive this blog because I miss having a near private outlet for my emotions. All my friends that know me have started to add me on Twitter and I dont feel like I can tweet as I used to. I also the tumblr unless I am fapping, so i am turning back to my haven during high school. I dont know is I will be posting often or in perfect English for that matter, but its around time I start putting my emotions and thoughts “on paper” so here I start again. 

Saturday, September 1, 2012

I Needed This

It has been a long time since I have last seriously posted on here, and it has been 2.5 years since i started this blog. I began to blog because of the social pressures i started to feel after finally comprehending that I am gay slightly less than 3 years ago. Back then I was a high school sophomore who fit no category while falling into so many, lost my best friend through my own idiocies, and read daily around 30 blogs of my peers in this LGBTQIA community that was Blogger (there actually were a few ally bloggers, I did not appreciate that fact back then).

it has been so long, yet I have been drawn back to this site, this long form of expression because I just have such a large load of information I need to express in a more personal, evocative manner than 140 characters or less. This weight on my body, mind, heart, and occasionally eyes is starting to feel like a burden; my first week of college is reminding me so much of the beginning of the second semester of my Sophomore year of high school. That fact hurts. I have had darker periods of my life, but that time, was the time that I could not know where to turn, so i turned here, to Blogger.

Let me explain why this week of college, while not in any way hell, has been my purgatory. The second semester of my second year in high school  was a time when I was friends with people i did not fully trust, finally certain about my sexual orientation, afraid of who might dislike me for my sexual orientation, in a state of crisis about what I wanted to do with my life, and in a constant depression because of my lack of a meaningful social life. My first week at NYU reminds me of this dreadfully, outside of my dorm-mates (who are both awesome, except for my third who is an asshole and will be referred to as such), I have found it hard to make my own friends. This comes from my personality and the way I approach meeting new people. I have no idea what to talk about or how to be a person who can start to conversation with someone that will be interesting and engaging. This has been such a burden and has lead me to basically be the quite person who tries to be a part of the group, but at every attempt to infiltrate it just exposes why that person would not be a beneficial addition to the group. This has been happening everywhere, in my Cohort for C.A.S. (a group of around 35 students taking the same seminars), at the LGBTQ Center, but thankfully never when I am in small groups.

This has just been so disheartening. Furthermore, I am filled with sexual tension. I have just figured out today will be seven days since I last mastrubated, I am seeing the most attractive guys I have seen in my life, yet never being able to talk to them or feeling insecure and inadequate about doing so. My life just feels like a mess, and I am not capable of cleaning it up. Don’t worry though I still have four moths to go. This is weird though because I meant that as both as optimistic statement and one of forboding and sadness because that is just how this has been for me.


Just as a preface, currently everything I am writing is dark and sad, if anyone at all is reading this wants me to post some fun stories of what I have been doing in college, because I do have quite a few, please comment or tweet me or something because if not I am going to be using this blog as a way to unload all of my fears, anxiety, sadness, and frustration to the internet; so if you would like to see and hear fun stories just tell me, please!

Thursday night was the night that I was most ready to contemplate the idea of saying, “Fuck college! I’m out of here!” My story starts when I enter Washington Square Park. I was just bored and alone at that point, the perfect state for any idiotic destructive decision. As I get closer to the fountain, I hear a band playing and a small (10 person) crowd around them enjoying their music. One person in the crowd is this guy I think I want to try talking to because I would describe him as my foil. He is introverted, yet content with being alone in a crowd. He is just enjoying the music. Throughout the next three hour period, he stays and watches the band play; he stands, he sits, he enjoys as a solitary and quite figure, just another in the crowd.

Then there is me, I could not stand being just a part of the crowd, I wanted to be with someone in the crowd,have someone to talk to, to meet, to befriend. I stay and watch the band for an hour and a half. Throughout that hour and a half I see so many from NYU, but they are in groups already, pre-formed and unchanging. I do not talk to them, though I want to say, “Hi, my name is Robert, do you guys also go to NYU?” I can’t. 
Eventually, I see my chance to meet someone i might know. A guy along with his two friends is wandering around WSP. I think I recognize him from an LGBTQ event earlier today, so I want to say, “Hi,” but he is also already with a group. As the hour and a half goes on he actually comes and sits next to where I am standing. I am almost sure it is the guy form the event. My chance never comes, the song never plays that would invite me to invite him into a conversation. He stays for around half-an-hour and then heads off. As I later learned when I got back to my dorm two hours later, that was Dylan Sprouse and not the person i thought to be a guy named Slater, as I now know the guy I was thinking of was. At least I now have the story of how i almost hit on Dylan Sprouse. Almost, but almost never makes a good story, it just makes a joke. I feel i am that joke.

As the night wne on the depression hit in, I truly was alone in a city of 10 million. I went to the fountain and sat and watched, observed. Too sad to enjoy, too out of it to truly notice. I ended up sitting in the same position at the fountain twice. The second time I go to sit down and I am just done, tired, alone, sad, yet unwavering. I was not leaving my purgatory because I am stronger, better than that. I sit and a crowd of loud and, unfortunately, interesting, vibrant NYU students come behind me. I want to join. I don’t. I sit and watch the sky. I suddenly notice it is the most majestic purple a sky can express itself as. I watch and stare at it. I begin to miss the stars. I am not religious, but it feels like there is no heaven above the NYC sky. It is you and what you are left with, further enforcing my foreboding of purgatory.

I decide to listen to Miike Snow, on a whim, I have no Spring Awakening on my iPod; a blessing in disguise. I listen and the music is slow, melancholic, yet uplifting. The music pulls be closer to happiness. I look to the concert and see my roommate dancing with this girl he desperately wants on, his unattainable goal this week. I sit and watch and feel better. I am ready to leave. I don’t though. I promised myself until midnight. I stay until midnight.

The last forty or so minutes I stay at the WSP are fine. I am sad and alone, but I am comfortable here. I am with many of my own kind, those that have no plans and no one. I just attempt to stay in this state. It works. As I finally walk back to my dorm, it is past midnight. I am ready to be done. My story does not end here, but this story will end at the park. As i walk away head held high looking for the future, I am ready to find it and turn purgatory into my friend, lover, and spouse. New York City is purgatory, and I have survived my first dark hour there. i can survive any more that come.

Thank you everyone who reads this. I just looked at the new blogger features and was incredibly proud and excited to have learned that this blog has been viewed upwards of 40 thousand times. For me that is gigantic, for me that is something I need to remember. I have no idea if this blog has helped anyone, but if it has, I am pleased to have done so.

Robert BP
Lrtackle15 on Twitter and Skype

P.S. I am about to go to I gigantic rave, festival called Electric Zoo. Do not think I am sad or depressed. I am excited and ready to have one amazing time. Talk to you all later!

Saturday, June 25, 2011

Just Saying

Hey so if anyone still reads this I really suggest following this instead because this is where I will actually post. Also follow me on twitter.

Monday, April 4, 2011

Bursting into Blog

God I do not kn....wait let me redo that

Mythical creature that will be presently refered to as "God" I do not know what I am doing. Life is hectic, but it isnt. My life is boring, but it isnt. I have no time EVER, but I ALWAYS have time. My brain is the brain of a normal human and I just let it use its wahtever measly percent to order me around.

Right now I SHOULD be working on this script for an Alien Screenplay my Swiss friend, Raph and I are writing for English, but I am a procrastinator (through I prefer the term "procrastating") and I am instead watching gay videos about gay love, or reading abotu gay love because is fucking love and what does love mean....well nothing...or everything....or something minuscule that is meaningless in the normal context, but the most important lesson a person can learn, self-respect.

This is the last week before Spring Break or as I call the Second to Last Week Before I Can Legally See R-Rated Films Because The MPAA Sucks and Rated the Kng's Speech R Because Americans Are So Fucking Conservative Compared To The Europeans or in the short form SLWBICLSRFBMSRKSRBAFCCE aka the week before the week where I turn 17 [fuck only 13 more years, I feel like Donald Trump's hair except happier and not stiff as a board...well at least not everywhere ;-) (shit now I have to use brackets because of the smiley face)]

Next week I am going to DC to watch the US Government shut down, see two shows, meet a special person all of you better know, and got to Gettysburg and then celebrate with family (why cant I just have a gay weekend instead, wait no that is for next year when certain thing are

So yeah I am just going to say I cannot wait for DC, I will be meeting Sam from Confused?...yet Honest if things go as planned, if not whatever, but if so then hell to the yay!

Okay well that is enough procrastinating, back to doing my homework.

Robert BP

Friday, February 18, 2011


It feels good to just open this window, which I have missed so much.

It has been over four months since I last blogged (I think, let me go check…of course when I go to check I usually just press “b” and blogger is the first website that comes up, but now it is, so of course I was confused for a second lol…okay well 2.5 months for last “post”, but…oh it was a post lmao, totally forgot I blogged about that haha wow, sorry) and I was actually going to try and write this two days ago, but vicodine , weariness, soreness, bleeding, and horniness kind of amount to a lot of jerking off and sleeping rather than typing on a computer for an hour (if you didn’t already know). This post was supposed to be really me reminiscing about the lost year since I started this blog (I was high on pain meds at the time so maybe my judgment wasn’t sound on that idea), but I think instead of thinking about the past I say, “You happened, now if I need I will look you over again, but until then have some fucking fun!” and I am going to talk about the present.

So for those who don’t follow me on Twitter, I have to say (diva rant coming…well faux diva rant coming) do you not CARE about ME!?! I mean am I not SPECIAL, do I not deserve to smoke salvia like its saliva, I mean fuck you guys I am just gonna go get some HOOKers and fuck them while sniffing crushed valium off their cocks! (faux rant done!) Back to the point, for those who don’t follow me on Twitter you probably have no idea what has been going on with me for the past 2.5 months (aka nothing). To catch you up though I have took an SAT class, worried over finals, took the SAT, and got my wisdom teeth removed (four days ago…what I am gonna talk about).

The wisdom teeth have been removed! This happened on Monday to create a nice half day of pleasantry followed by a horrible night!

So that day in order to get ready for my 2:30 appointment where I would not be able to eat for 6 hours prior, I woke up early and had a big breakfast (I had no idea they wanted you to have a light breakfast instead, yeah I know rule breaker) of, ironically, scrambled eggs (like I thought that was all I was really gonna eat the next 3 days after). I then played a bunch of Call of Duty: Black Ops, then took a shower and shaved and it was time to pick up my dad to go and have my fun oral surgery!

Once I pick my dad up from his work, we went to the place and I only had to wait 10 minutes before I was called back. I was almost instantly attached to a ton of machines and had an IV stuck in me (only after the doctor used a freezing spray that actually really helped because I barely felt the needle go in and I hate needles (I was getting queasy thinking about being stuck by it, but it wasn’t bad)) and was asleep in a few seconds.

Now for the part that I probably shouldn’t blog about because hell, even I am getting queasy just thinking about it, so I will go quickish summary. I woke up hazy and was escorted to a chair and my face was numb and I had gauze in my mouth and ice on my face, I was then moved to the car at some point and driven home by my dad. When I got home I somehow went upstairs and rested and tried to watch tv, but it was futile and I fell asleep. When I woke up my lower lip we still horribly numb and my mouth had the worst taste! I changed my gauze, but in the process tried to get blood that was pooling at the bottom of my tongue out, but I started to throw up (I know don’t you just love this story it so fun to tell)! I then went back up and rested, then went back down stairs and tried (tried) to communicate with my parents, but it doesn’t help when you have the hand writing of a doctor and your mom and only worried about you not eating your entire face because it is numb (okay seriously I am getting sick, gonna move on before I have a different movement). Day two was better, used a lot of gauze, at some eggs, and played some COD. Same with day three. Yesterday I had my first real solid food and was happy to say it was good, also I watched a sexy robot pawn people on Jeopardy (wait that was Wednesday, fuck you vicodine and fucking up my memories!)

Today I woke up and read some Grapes of Wrath, which is a great novel, just John Steinbeck wrote some chapters that are too damn long and make nothing happen progressively (like the country back then, I get his point just hate the pace!) and I talked to people on twitter. I then took a shower, shaved horribly (I think it’s my razor it’s too damn big), and then left for my appointment where I only was in for 5 minutes and was given an okay and a syringe that is awesome and can shoot a really cool spray of water! I then went to Cosentino’s and got some groceries and sushi for lunch, which was impossible to eat because of the open holes, but that’s what the syringe is supposed to clean out anyways. I then read more GoW and watched some tv. Yeah I know exciting day, but whatever. So this is me blogging again and since I think I think I am gonna have this be titled “Surprise” I will put a picture of a Adam Levine naked with hands covering his junk (yes I will put a picture of a twink as well for good measure xp)!


Life putters and wanders (I think that was my sign-off lol),


Sunday, December 5, 2010

My Straight Day

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Wow well day two of being back, and of course I am also posting in the dead of night again hahaha.

So first things first, since I finally went back on blogger I decided to catch up on some blogs I have stopped reading. The first one I caught up on was Timmy’s. The first thing I saw was a post by his brother, so I decided to see what it said. Holy shit I had no idea that Timmy had died two months ago. That just sucks utterly. He was so witty and funny (and perverted, which is not always a bad quality), but he was alos just a great gent and it was extremely easy to comprehend that based on what he exhibited to us through his blog. My condolences to Timmy’s family and I hope that can grieve, but only for as long as is practical, ruining your life because a sibling or child died is a horrible way to cope with the death, especially since the dead person would probably be pissed you are ruining your life that way. (wow that was a horribly award tangent, sorry).

The next blog I caught up on was Sam’s and I really do hope he meets someone that wants to be his boyfriend, especially someone that is not your best friend because no matter what the break up will still strain your friendship if the relationship ever amounts to that disappointment.

Also while catching up I noticed that Jason Carwin has gone missing again, I do hope he is doing well and is happy at whatever school he decided to go to.

Now what happened in my life today was slightly interesting. I woke up at 8:25 and put the dogs out and fed them. I then started catching up on Hellcats until 9:50 when I left to go to my college place to take an ACT Diagnostics test. I then had a meeting with my councilor where I was told of some awesome film school summer programs which I should totally do if I want get a better leg up to get into NYU, especially since there is one AT NYU!

After that it was 1:40 and I decided to get some Subway and came home at 2 and watched another episode of Hellcats, which apparently has the actor who plays Brian Kinney in Queer as Folk playing the Law Professor at Lancer Academy. I then left for the school at 2:50 because of this football game I agreed to join because I need to get some footage of people playing football for the film my group is (possibly) doing in Filmmaking. It was a really great game and fun. I ripped to people’s shirts, one was an Ohio State one at the armpit and the other was a CAL shirt which I somehow pulled an entire patch of cloth from the middle of the shirt (another guy on my team ripped the back of one guys shirt off and the hole kept growing larger and the game went lol). So let me show you what they said happened in the game:

All Stars loose to Ripped Shirts

Sean: Most valuable linemen, Robert BP,
This game was dedicated to those valuable shirts that dedicated themselves to protecting our skin agianst rbp and were lost in battle. U will be remebered.

Offensive Player of the Game:

Defensive Player of the Game:
Robert BP

Special Teams Player of the Game
Kyle (23 yard feild goal) Michael Z (2 returns for TDs)

Best Tackle:
Roy on Raphael, Robert on Jeremy

Best Play:
Double Reverse to Long Gain Krishnan
Kyle to Brady 29 yard pass
Sean to Jeremy 32 yard pass

Biggest Fight:
Robert BP-Chris

Cutest Player:
Michael Z

Biggest Stud:
RBP for doing awesome
Cullen for playing hard after he puked

So yeah that is pretty much a summary of what happened lol. It was a lot of fun and great conditioning, and since it was tackle football it was great to beat up Jeremy, apparently I nearly knocked one of his teeth out, but, hey, he skinned my knee so everything is fine ahahha. After the game everyone went to Taco Bell and I agreed to pay for all the people whose shirts I destroyed to help lose the game hahaha. I then went to Trader Joe’s and Safeway to get football because the house needed it. hahaha. I then went to Trader Joe’s and Safeway to get football because the house needed it.

So I went home and watched more Hellcats. Mark almost came over, but he apparently had a band party, which I think is a lie, but whatever I don’t really care. I finally am now caught up with Hellcats though lol. I then went upstairs to my room and decided to play Call Of Duty: Black Ops and saw my friends were on and decided to join their game and see how lone it would take them to notice me in there. It took them four games to notice me ahha, but whatever it was fun and everything. I am now in bed typing this at 1:55 AM and I think it is time to sleep since I have quite a bit of homework to do tomorrow before the big football banquet. Also my parents are coming back tomorrow night, so yeah.

Life Putters and Wanders,

Robert BP

Saturday, December 4, 2010

It Has Been a While

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Well I am back!

Hey guys, this is Robert and I am happy to say I am back at least for this post and hopefully more. I have been quite busy with school and football and everything, but now I can finally say I am now able to commit some time to blogging again. I mean I have definitely missed it. I really liked getting comments, especially from new bloggers who I have yet to learn of! So I guess comment peoples, well only if you actually read this hahah, I still have no idea how many people have actually read my blog, nor do I really care though, but it is always nice to know some people care enough to have some feelings they want to tell me about what I have posted.

Now on to what has been happening in my life since I left off. I went through football season, I played a bit and I even got a fumble recovery on Defense and I never play defense (I actually just don’t like defense so I avoid it whenever possible, but once coach puts you in, you are in lol), but of course I had to embarrass myself and slide of the field! School has been alright, I have some awesome teachers and some not so awesome ones. I currently have 2 A-s 2Bs 2B-s, the classes I really need to bring up are Tig/PreCalc Honors which I only have a B- because of one test which I totally failed, 18/40, and it was just a really off day! Oh yeah on the football thing again, my team went 5-5 and almost when to playoffs, but we did not get in though we really deserved to be in, whatever it sucks, but that happens.

Now on to today, which started when I woke up, put my dogs out, and fed them at 7:15. My parents are away at Maui so I am in charge of the dogs and stuff yeah lol. I then decided not to have any breakfast, I just was not hungry, and brought my dogs in at 7:32 and left my house at 7:34 for school. Okay so I live relatively close to school, it can take between 10 minutes to 3 minutes to get to school based on traffic. Today it was one of those 3 minute days and I blame leaving 3 minutes earlier than normal lol. So I got there with 10 minutes to spare.

I went into my English class, the first period of the day, and started to talk to this girl about Glee and while talking my teacher joined in, she also watches Glee religiously lol, but it does make sense since she is also the drama teacher. Then class started and the teacher made the announcement that she did not feel like doing grammar so we are not gonna do it today AND that since our program is having a comedy group come over and do a show, if we can get 85% of the students in our program to come (234 students) we will either get to choose to not take the Grammar final or the Vocab final. The class went crazy; she is a great teacher and keeps things interesting. We then finished Act II in Othello and watched that act of the film.

Then class ended and I went to the filmmaking lab to take out a camera and tri-pod to use in the making of a movie trailer that we have to make for the class. I then printed out a copy of our script treatment and went to my history teacher to get the trailer approved historically. That is where the problems really began. We pretty much learned that our story was extremely flawed in comparison to how it should be. The teacher of filmmaking, who everyone hates now, has fed us the wrong information and corrupted our projects, so now we are fucked and pissed about this project. Then class started and we worked on some DBQs we wrote, I did okay for my second, but I still need to work more on them. We are still in the precursors to the Civil War in AP US History.

Then, after lunch, where nothing really happened I just went to the library and read about Richard Bachman then left for Chemistry. So I think Chem is my best subject this year, I just naturally understand most of the stuff that is talked about in class, and when I took the test I felt confident in how I did. I received a 58/59 because of the 2 points of extra credit my group and I earned on Wednesday, so I did quite well lol. Then we did a lab about valence electron shell patterns where we got the atom balls and the sticks and made diagrams. Then school finally ended and I left for home.

When I got home I watched some tv for a but until I decided to take a shower and then get ready to go to the big football game tonight. I fed the dogs and then brought then in before I left. I then went and picked up a friend of mine, Kyle, and we complained about our filmmaking teacher on the way to the Falafel Drive-In . When we got there I saw Sean and Jeremy and I ordered a large falafel sandwich and a banana milkshake. OMG the food there is so damn delicious, like wow just amazing! I then drove to the big game and it was really fun. The team I wanted is going to state now. During the game Jeremy introduced us to a friend of his from his old school who is the quarter back of their team, and I have to say he is pretty damn cute ahahha, also he liked making fun of Jeremy so I liked him (don’t worry we all joke around with each other, I mean Sean nickname is Ohio and that is all that most football players call him, and Jeremy is Bubba because he apparently looks like a Bubba and I am RBP). After the good game we all left And decided to meet at 7-11 where I had to go to the bathroom. I saw this one had one so I decided to go in and use it, but when I came back out to the main store the guy was pissed off because I did not ask, but I said I was sorry, but h was just really pissed all night. We then bought our food and stood around Bubba’s car talking about random stuff for half an hour. During that time we noticed the Pilot, the car I am not driving while my parents are away and the Saab is broken, still had its lights on, but I made the stupid decision to not turn them off. When I went to start the car it would not start, so after a whole bunch of time we finally got someone to bring jumper cables and I jumped my car.

That was the 5th time I have had to jump a car. The first was when my battery first broke, then the second time was a but later, and the third time was while I was on a date, the fourth was when I had to help Ohio jump his stupid Volvo Station Wagon which only has a nub for positive, and now I have done it a fifth time. When everything was hooked up, which I had to do all of them because everyone else was to afraid to be electrocuted, which is ironic because are gays not supposed to be the ones that can do mechanical things? Yeah I just broke another stereotype of the gays in comparison to me, YAY!

I then drove home, kept the car on, walked the dogs, and then turned off the car. I am now tired and sleepy in bed and I have an ACT Diagnopstic tomorrow at 10 AM and then a tackle football game at 3 PM where I will also be getting some footage for the movie trailer that is currently in limbo.

Well that is all I have for now, but expect for frequent posts from me and if you ever have a question or need me to clarify anything just ask me!

Life Putters and Wanders,


Wednesday, August 25, 2010


WOW! Well this is unexpected! I have a date on Saturday! Not with L, but hey he stopped talking to me, so I guess his lose! I will have to explain later if he lets me, but I ma just saying, he is such a great guy and I seriously can not wait till Saturday! I may have a Scrimmage on Friday, but I will just use this as inspiration to work harder then! I have film and an SAT diagnostic on Saturday as well, but I will just use it as a reason to work all the harder towards this reward! I am seriously in disbelief! But I am just going to say, this has been the BEST summer ever! Let's just hope school is just like how the summer has been! I am going to actually work on my APUSH assignment now that he is asleep....and I know he is sleeping because he does not do that amazingly! Ok well I have to go! I will update you, but trust me Twitter will be getting it all first! Ok well I am going!

Life Putters and Wanders,


Sunday, August 15, 2010

Two Little Stories

Well it seems I get ready to blog and I totally forget what I have done before to see if I need to update you all. BRB!

Well okay yeah nothing has really happened with my sister, she still likes me more and we are getting along better and everything. So yeah that is good ahhaha.

While checking my blog I decided to look at what day my first blog post was because of a comment Billy made. Well I guess I am happy to report, tomorrow will be the 6 month anniversary of my blog! I do not know how I was able to blog everyday from February 16th till June 29th, but I did. In that time I came out to Kathryn, Bri (because Kathryn used her to figure me out lol), A, Rosie (my sister), and Nick (this week because I was hanging with A and he is great friends with A and I just decided to blurt it out, actually I do have something to say about that...later though). My life has been so different since I found blogs over a year ago and started my blog around 6 months ago and I do not regret it.

Okay now I have to decide whether to tell the Nick story or the Twitter story. Eehh lets go chronologically.

So Wednesday I was hanging with A and Nick at Starbucks. We were outside and there was a lull in the conversation and I decided to use it to just say, “So Nick you know I am gay, right?”

Nick responds, “Yeah, Robert, I do. And I saw your blog on this guy’s computer.” I start to think, FUCK FUCK FUCK!!!!! WHERE DID HE SEE MY BLOG???!?!?!??!

So I ask him, “Where did you see my blog?” I was trying not to sound worried, but I was freaking out.

So what happened is, Nick was hanging with A and a gay friend of A’s from All-State for band, Justin. Justin knows me….well not really KNOWS me….but he knows be because I “connected” with him on the GYC. I think Justin looked through my profile and decided to open the link at the bottom to my blog. I then think that Nick and A came over to hang or something and, since Justin had my blog open on his computer, Nick saw it. I think he looked through it and read my profile and thought, “OH I know this guy!”

So yeah I do not know if those are the facts, but the next time I get him alone I am going to ask. But yeah, Justin, if you do read my blog, then I guess I should say thanks a bit because I mean it did make coming out to Nick just that little bit easier….well that and A telling him ahahha.

Now it is time to make all of those crazy ass tweets I have been tweeting make sense!

So Friday I was on some chat rooms because I was bored. I was looking for guys in CA to talk to. So this one guy says he is 17 and from CA, so I decide to private him. I ask where he lives and he says the Bay Area. I say me too, and where from. He tells me where, and I decide to Google it. He is ONE hour away! I get really excited and tell him that. He becomes interested and we decide to chat on MSN.

So we chat on MSN and the first thing I see is his profile picture…I DIE!!! I mean, you know the pictures of the guys I put on here, well let’s just say eh is one of them!!!! So I tell him that. He totally denies that and asks for a picture of me. I send him my new profile picture and he says, “dammmm ur a cutie”. So we then just start talking and we do a really long Q&A and I start it develop on crush on him. And I mean I think he might have one on me IDK. So we just talked and got to know each other, and I mean apparently he is a nerd, loves to read, we have similar interest in music, he is so cute, he is nice, he is romantic, and best of all he is weird! I mean I have no idea why he even thinks I am cute, but I don’t really care. So at 10:05 my parents get home and I decide to greet them. I say “BRB parents.”

I go downstairs and talk to them for 5 minutes, and then I come back upstairs and see he is offline. I start to get really sad because I now think he is uninterested and it just kills me. I mean he seemed really into me and I just mope around and decide to just go to sleep.

I wake up 3 times that night. Each time I check my computer to see if eh is on or said sorry or something. I then just figure eh blocked me and it is over. I am sad all the next day, but I still cannot get him out of my head. I check MSN constantly, but I do decide to try and get some work done. At 5, he comes on. I become really happy just to see he did not block me! I decide not to IM him unless he IMs me first. A few seconds later L IMs and saying, “heyyyyyyyyyy sowwy about last nite we lost everything tv internet so lame” That just made, we talked for an hour and I really do hope we meet soon.

Okay I am going to stop here, I actually need to try and do stuff today. Well okay bye.

Life Putters and Wanders,


Sunday, August 8, 2010

Two Steps Forward!!

Okay guys I am sorry that I have not been updating you all lately! I have a feeling that I am probably going to be updating less and less and time goes on and school starts, so I am so sorry, but hey my dream is NYU and that means doing some more work!

Now I should say that I have some good news, some great news, and some news I REALLY want to talk about but A (the guy I met with) is not going to let me tell you all!

So let me tell you what happened on Wednesday. So the night before I got to talk to Kathryn for a bit and she told me that she could meet at Starbucks from anytime from 1-7. I figured that that sometime in that time frame would be the best time to meet A there and then hang with Kathryn after. So on Wednesday I finally AIMed A (after being called by Kathryn twice, once RIGTH before a recording I was a part of lol) So we decided to meet at 3:15 and I pick him up and he hang at Starbucks. So I leave a little late, but I go and pick him up and I really have to say he is cute and well you can also tell he is gay from his fashion sense, though really it was only obvious because he put his sunglasses on the color of his shirt and that just said, “GAY!” to me.

But yeah so we go to Starbucks and we both just get water lol. Kathryn saw us and just was Kathryn lol. So we decided to go outside for more privacy and we talk for like 3 minutes when Kathryn come over and just asks the worst questions in the worst way to A. It was kind of really funny lol, but also EXTREMLY awkward, especially for A. She eventually left and we got to talking. He did a lot and we just talked. It was nice, I mean I really got to know him (I already knew him because he was my first friend here when I moved to where I am now from San José, but we stopped talking so much in 6ht and 7th grade). One thing that was interesting is that he really had no idea I would be gay, but I suspected him for quite a while, so I was not so surprised lol. We also talked about what we have done; he has done so much more than me at a WAY faster pace than me! I have literally done nothing, I mean never kissed, or even held hands in a crushy-loving way. To tell the truth I am a little jealous, but the thing is I don’t think he has really had any truly special relationships, though I mean I have no idea if I will have one, but still.

That is pretty much it with A since I cannot day what happened later because I want to be my friend, but trust me it is nothing special and nothing happened.

Now on to my other news. So on Thursday, while taking a shower before my internship, I decided I will come out to my sister. I never got a good chance to do it on Thursday, but I did get my chance on Friday. I had an SAT/College/School meeting. I had to have my sister drive me there and also pick me up. I wondered which way I should tell my sister and figured the way back will be easier. So she drops me off in not the best mood so I figure I am probably not going to do it. I go in talk to my person and learn my SAT Diagnostic score; an 1800, I need a 2000 or higher to be competitive for NYU. So I am actually motivated to do the stuff to get better now ahhaha.

We ended early so I texted my sister and she came. As she was driving I mentioned that I had to go to drop off some football stuff at the team mom’s house. SO she started driving there. She then mentioned something that made me think I could actually use that as segue to coming out. So I said, “Speaking of that, I am gay.” She said, “Repeat that?” So I did. She only replied “SERIOUSLY?!?!?” around 3 times, and I said yes each time. She was ecstatic. She asked me some of the usual questions which I easily answered. I then dropped the FB stuff at the house and got back in the car.

From there my sister asked me who she could tell. I said yes to her friend that is practically an adopted sister to me. I also said yes to these two sisters that love me (the older sister that knows me better like screams “BOBERT!!!!” and runs to hug me whenever she sees me) and also have a gay brother I had no ideas they had. I also said yes to girl she s friends with who lives near us. I also said yes to this girl who is awesome and is a model, manager of two bands on Warped Tour, and only 19 or 20 so yeah I was like sure. But one stipulation with the last one is that a friend of my sis’s who I like a lot, but has a brother that helps coach football for the JV, so I am VERY animate that she has to keep it on the down-low or just not tell here and the other friend, though I know it would be awesome if they knew lol.

So we then went back home and she went and told her friends while I started watching Hard Candy. I love the movie so much! You have to see it! It is about Ellen Page who plays a girl who seduces a photographer online. The guy is a pedophile and she knows it. They go back to his place and then shit just happens. It is so well written, the cinematography is amazing, and the lighting just changes the whole tone! You have to see it!

When my sister was done talking to the people she comes and tells me that the two sisters want me to meet their brother sometime. I go cool, can I see a pic of him (I know pervy but hey I am interested lol). So my sister goes on FB and shows me his profile picture. He is so cute!!!!! Like seriously, and like I really want to meet him now. And if he is as nice as his sisters then I think he would be an awesome friend to have!

Okay there is more I could talk about but I really do not have the time and I need to get ready to go to my sister’s birthday dinner because she is home and not going to come back when her real birthday is, so yeah, I am going to go and get ready.

Life Putters and Wanders,